I am back in the States now! Honestly, I have really enjoyed flushing my toilet paper down the drain again:) A lot happened in Guatemala and there were a few other things in Costa Rica that occurred but because of my difficult internet situation in Guatemala and the fact that we had much less time to unwind each day let alone write a blog, I never got a chance to find enough time to sit down and write out what was happening and the events God was walking me through.
In this blog, I am going to pick up where I left off in Costa Rica at the end of the last post…
My hope going into Costa Rica was that God was going to tear down my validation struggle and self-consciousness. I was so fed up with fighting and putting up with it. I wanted to win but I genuinely did not know how to fight. God started to answer my prayer through a man named Richard. Richard was our mentor, daily devotional leader, and personal, biblical, Wikipedia. He was by far one of the most impressive combinations of wisdom and knowledge regarding the Scriptures that I have ever seen. An area of the Bible that Richard was extremely passionate about was worship – true worship. Richard had seen and experienced true worship and he was ever eager to invite us into that. For me, I could definitely see God’s kindness in this because of how much I wanted to worship God in truth, without distraction, but my struggle of self-awareness was so overwhelming. For years, every Sunday church service, every choir rehearsal, every youth group, every time I was placed in a context to sing and lead people in worship, I ALWAYS had to fight against impressing people. It had been ingrained into my mind. And honestly, I had become exhausted in this fight. I was not going to give up, but it felt like the battle lines had been defined in stone, without any way for me to make any advances.
But on the last night in Costa Rica, God gave me a beautiful opportunity to taste the worship I had been striving to experience. It was a night of genuine connection with my Father defined by continual glimpses into deep connection with Holy Spirit and a clear understanding of the great throne room of God. Leading up to this night God had prepared me in two main ways: first through the teaching of Richard and second, through a worship night at training camp.
It seems a bit random to throw a worship night at training camp into this post about Costa Rica but it plays a key role. During that night at training camp worship, I had this picture of the Lord’s throne room. I am not saying that it was a vision, I think it is better described as Holy Spirit-inspired imagination, but honestly, if I walked into God’s throne room and it looked the same way I saw it in my picture I would not be very surprised. The picture God gave me that night has been by far the single greatest tool he has given me to worship authentically. Combined with the truth that had been spoken into and over me through Richard leading up to that night in Costa Rica, God had orchestrated a perfect storm to create the first significant crack in my wall of validation.
Honestly, the picture gives me chills when I read it. It continually puts me at a point where I realize how God has left my cup completely overflowing with his sheer awesomeness and greatness as well as his love that I would so much rather worship the Creator of the flipping universe than pettily try to grasp for the approval of human beings. And praise God because this mindset is not limited to worship with music because worship is not limited to music! This understanding of my cup genuinely overflowing has helped me overcome my anxiety of to-do lists (to-do lists are essential for me because I need them to organize my thoughts but they make me unbelievably stressed because they make me aware of how much I need to do and because of that I never feel like I can rest), my stress of acting authentically, and my lack of faith in prayer ALL because God has helped me realize just how grand and complete, vast and caring he is as Father over my life. Once I have started to understand how big God is on a personal level, my cup overflows with his grace and love to the point that every struggle in my life is but a shadow compared to him.
***If you are wondering where the picture/vision is, I wanted it to be its own individual blog post so look for the next blog post to read it:)
